Over the Mountains
Five Months Later
As I’m heading over the Colorado mountains with my husband’s ashes at my feet, as the road rushes up to meet me, I have to wonder if this has always been my story. Was my life building towards this moment the minute I met Ryan? I don’t really believe in fate or destiny, but I have to wonder if there was some kind of countdown to this moment. There will always be a before and after now and I will forever look at our lives together in a different light.
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Was I always meant to be here at my Grandparents house when the last time I lived here was 38 years ago? I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter because here I am. I doubt that my grandparents thought that this home they bought would serve as a safe haven for me 60 years later. I am grateful for them and for this funky, slightly falling apart house.
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This is the lonely time. The time I have been dreading. The time when the messages stop coming and I feel like I have disappeared. This is the quiet time when my mind is all but quiet. My thoughts race and everything comes crashing in. This is the time I can never go home again.
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Today I remembered that I love you. I have been consumed by anger up until now. Anger for what you did. Anger for not letting me in. Anger for leaving me. I was detached, in shock up until now. Then I looked at the photos and remembered that I love you. I saw all of the amazing and wonderful things we did together. I saw your beautiful, smiling face and I remembered.
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At 43, I felt like I knew myself pretty well. That was the before. This is the after. I am frequently confused about the direction my life is heading. Fear, anxiety and grief feel like they are a part of me. I still feel like I’m living in a dream. I am reaching for something that no longer exists. You know that nightmare feeling where you are trying so hard to reach something and you just can’t quite get to it? I still have hope though. I want a little farm house with a big studio and a little bit of land for my dogs to run around. A place where I can have a big, beautiful garden. Maybe some chickens. Ideas about my future are just slightly coming into focus. The fog is lifting slightly and clarity is making it’s way towards me. I know that I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am ready to fight my way through. I will not only survive this, I will thrive in the wake of the greatest loss of my life.
Self Portrait - Determination