Ryan and I were really just kids when we met. 20 year old college students. I think I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. Those huge blue eyes. That infectious smile and laugh. The kindness and calmness in his demeanor. We had lived more years together than we had apart. There are no words to describe how much I miss him. How intense this pain continues to be.
I want my husband back.
I want my life back.
Every morning, I wake up and think he’s there in bed with me. Then I remember. I am constantly wanting to tell him something. Then I remember. I’m so tired of waking up, tangled in my sweaty sheets and my grief.
We weren’t finished. There were still so many things we wanted to do. We had plans. He had just ordered a new truck. We had just adopted a new dog. I don’t think it was premeditated. There was no indication that this was coming. The shock of it is unimaginable. How could this happen to us? It still doesn’t feel real. I think if he could, he would take it back.
I can’t even imagine yet the ways in which I am changed, but I am forever changed. The depths of this grief are vast. There is still so much to decipher, to understand and so much that I never will.
Not only did I lose him, I feel like I’m losing everything. Without his income, I have less than a year until I will have to sell my house. I get nothing from his life insurance because there was a suicide clause. I have no health insurance until my Medicaid hopefully comes through. With my health the way it is, I can’t work except for on my art when my body allows. This is my home and I’m losing it. I suppose it It doesn’t matter where I live anymore. I have no home without him. I do have some hope that I can keep my house. I have some ideas I’m working on l and I hope that by sheer will, stubbornness and resilience, I can somehow make it all work.
Ryan was a selfless person. He cared deeply for his family. He told me several months before he passed that he missed them and we made plans to see them as soon as we could. He cared deeply for me and offered me help and support throughout every moment of our marriage. He had this impeccable sense of perceiving the character of others. He didn’t trust easily, but when he did, he trusted fully.
Ryan was a thoughtful man and a quiet man. He was so intelligent and he was so funny. We thought each other were hilarious and he made me laugh every day. Some days, I feel like I might survive this massive loss. I might be able to continue on, somehow, some way. I see a pinprick of light. It’s small, but it’s there.
Ryan, the love of my life, my best friend, my favorite person, I miss you terribly and I will love you forever. There will never be another like you.
